I have been trying to figure out why I stopped blogging back in July 2016. Something is always going on, yet I kept going before. I’m still where I was back then at least physically so nothing new there. Later in 2016, September to be exact my brother died from stomach cancer. That stung a lot. He was diagnosed in February of 2016. We had gotten where we would talk often after a brief period of when I chose not to talk to him at all. My brother moved away when I was very young. He joined the army, got married and was gone. He was gone from the mid to late 70’s until 82′. He came home briefly to attend our grandma funeral. I begged him to let me go back with him. He had rode his motorcycle from Maryland to Upstate NY but I didn’t care, I just wanted to go. My dad over heard my begging my brother to take me with him and, let my brother off the hook. He said there was no way I was going to ride on no motorcycle. Case was closed!! He didn’t come back until 94′, when our mom retired from teaching. By then I was hurt and disappointed from all the broken promises, so I had decided to stop talking to the “voice on the phone”. My mom would say, “your brother wants to talk to you”. I’d respond with, he ain’t my brother, he’s just a voice on the phone.
So I didn’t talk to him for about 5-6 years. Then in 1999, I moved to FL. My mom had a heart attack, an I found myself living in a state I Knew as a pre adolescent I never wanted to live in but even now, here I am. My brother would call the house to speak with our parents. I wouldn’t answer, I’d hand my parents the phone for them to answer. Then one day I decided to put on my big girl drawls. I sat down and penned him a letter. In it I expressed my feelings from the late 70’s to throughout the 90’s. He called, I answered this time. Believing he had received my letter. Either he was calling to cuss me out and we were going to get nowhere or we were going to rebuild. He said, uh I got uh, I got, that little letter you sent me. I stayed quiet. He said, I smoked a blunt, read it and smoked another blunt, now I’m calling. I can laugh now. In that moment my thoughts were, this isn’t about to end well, but ok. I tried!! He spoke his peace. Asked me questions about the letter. I spoke my peace and we NEVER spoke about our issues or that letter again. We had dealt with them and they were buried.
From 99-2016, I could talk with my brother about almost anything. He still saw me as his “baby sister” tho. We’d talk for 1-2 hours about once a month sometimes every other month at the most. We’d email each other, this was before texting. He’d have me laughing til sometimes I was in tears. He was one of my biggest supporters. He’d handle situations I didn’t even know about. Why, because, I was his baby sister, the only reason he needed. Things he knew I had got wind of, he’d call to check up on me. To make sure I was ok. Not letting people get to me. Then we’d sit on the phone and “cuss them out” together, lol. Good times, lol. I miss my big little brother, I’ll never for get em’ tho!
Some relationships, you can mend. Both parties have to be willing. You can’t force yourself upon anyone nor should you have to be willing to tolerate someone’s foolishness, sacrificing your happiness and or peace of mind so you can have someone in your life. Stress is a major killer. If you can make amends, do so. I’m so glad I did. More importantly, I’m glad he received it for what it was, and nothing more. In closing, if you can’t make amends because the other person isn’t mature, or genuine enough, own your role, and move on…..This doesn’t apply to everyone. If you’ve done some cruel sh!t, you need to own it and leave them alone.